Teamwork or just working each other over?

There are three Little River Badgers.  Two boys and a girl.  A 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a 14-month-old.  The time they spend together is usually complete bliss, or complete chaos; there really is no middle ground.

There are flashes of incredible sweetness, such as when Big Brother Badger sits between his two siblings, "reading" them a story.  There are moments of calm joy, when all three kids play together in the yard, the sun shining on their hair.  There are instances of energetic revelry, when the Little Badgers chase each other in circles through the house, giggling and squealing.  With all these, I am torn between wanting to run for the camera and standing absolutely still, appreciating.  In these moments, I believe that they will grow up as a team, working together, defending each other, having each other's back.

Then, there is the rest of the time.  This morning, after getting the Little Badgers dressed for school, there was a fight over a toy, followed by Little Brother Badger dragging his older brother out of the room by his sweatshirt.  Last night, Baby and LBB got into it over one thing or another, and she ended up being tackled after slapping LBB in the face.  Pretty much every day I hear Big Brother Badger screaming in a "stranger, danger" sort of way because his toys have been snatched.  In these moments, I am convinced that we will end up as a family thrown to the winds, with infighting and drinking characterizing our every holiday.

Most of the conflicts end with me yelling at someone or everyone.  A lot of yelling.  At the end of a bad day, I'm really sick of my own voice.  And, to be honest, I feel a little inadequate as a referee.  I usually do not see the first salvo-who really hit first?  And there is the issue of the differences in the children themselves.  Besides their ages, they have different personalities.  Each one is fighting his or her own battle, feeling wronged in different ways.  Do you punish equally across the board or take a more nuanced approach?  When there is a brawl, and everyone seems to be involved, does everyone go to time-out?  Or just one?

Big Brother Badger gets very upset when his toys are messed with.  He always has a grand story being played out, with each dinosaur or car acting an integral role.  Lose one, and the world is at an end.  Plus, since he is the biggest, he tries hard not to hit his younger siblings, and so usually gets smacked first.  He loses his temper from a feeling of powerlessness.  On the other hand, Little Brother Badger acts out not so much from toy-taking, but when he feels no one is listening to him.  He wants to do things on his terms, which is hard when he is in the middle.  He loses his temper from a feeling of frustration.  Baby Badger will walk up to her brothers and brazenly slap them.  They know not to hit her back (usually), so she plays the baby-card.  I want her to stand up for herself, but I refuse to raise a bully.

Which offense or counter-offense is worthy of a time-out, or just an apology, or a hard line go-to-bed-early is difficult to judge, especially when the offenses seem to happen all together and everyone is very upset.  I'd like to try to maintain consistent discipline, but also to address each child's situation.  So I ask questions.  Who hit first?  What did you do to make him/her hit you?  Why were you both in the kitchen in the first place?  I don't want to encourage them to start lying to me, either.

I worry about the fine line between letting them work things out and keeping them from working each other over.  I want them to be a team.  Maybe it's a work in progress.