SAHM...Go!

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a truck driver.  I acted out my dream job on my bicycle, riding up and down my parents' driveway, pretending that I was driving a fantastic silver big rig across the country.  As I got older, I wanted to be a concert harpist, and then, after taking a geology class in college, decided to study rocks for a living.  Geology took me through college and graduate school, and on into an academic job.  But, as before in my life, my ambitions changed as my experience expanded.  In this case, the particular catalyst was motherhood.  My head and my heart dictated this career change.

So, here I am, a new SAHM (stay-at-home-Mom).  I'm not completely green; I had the privilege of taking a few months off with the birth of each of the Little Badgers.  But this time, I do not have an "outside-the-home" job to go back to.  I've taken a leap of hope.

I hope that I'm making the right decision for my family.  I hope that I'll do a good job.  I hope that I'll be able to appreciate this experience for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity it is.  Daddy River Badger is on board, but is, for the moment, staying close to the lifeboats.  It is hard to go from a two-income arrangement to being a sole breadwinner family.  There are changing responsibilities, and adjustments to be made in all aspects of life.

Before last week, DRB and I had very equivalent positions in the family.  We each had a job outside the home, we each took parenting very seriously, and we each contributed to the day-to-day: cleaning, cooking, budgeting, diapering, and putting gas in the car.  Instead of the more traditional spheres of tending the home or earning the money, we essentially did both, together.  Now, we have to navigate a new path.  Do we steer towards tradition, towards the security of knowing that each of us have our own domain?  This might be seen by some as being a step backwards for me, a defeat of sorts.  But, I see it having a very significant positive facet.  Part of the problem of being "equivalent" in every way is that each person is equally empowered to express criticism of the other.  No area is safe.  Cooking dinner, discussing a work project, picking out a snack for the kids; I felt equally able to inform DRB that he was screwing up, and vice versa.  Perhaps a step towards tradition will yield enough separation that we will each be considered an authority figure for the other, and the constant threat of spousal criticism and the frustrating search for approval will end.

And I am enough of a traditionalist to appreciate the warmth and lure of planning and cooking dinners for my family, of being a consistent presence in my children's day, of treating my husband like a conquering hero when he comes home at night, of the comfort of keeping an organized house, and the security of having firm control of my realm.  I hope that I've earned the street cred to be able to say that openly, and without fear of judgment.

So, I am going forward into this new phase of my life.  I will be a mother and wife, and a damn good one.  I will make this count.