The events three days ago in Newtown, Connecticut were shocking, horrifying, terrible. When I heard, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, with no air to breathe. As a parent, I watch and read the news and see things that I would not wish on a worst enemy. Things that could happen to my children. I have to acknowledge that along with the joy, wonder, and amazement that comes with having babies, there is fear, too. Fear crept into my life the moment I held my oldest, the moment I realized how much I had to lose, and has made a nice little nest for itself. I would not say that my life is defined by fear, but it is there nonetheless. It hovers in the background as I watch my babies sleep, as I sharply eye them as they eat, as I hold their hands walking into school. Being a parent involves fear.
I cannot banish fear completely, and I do not think I would want to. It makes me take every reasonable safety precaution and prompts me to ask myself "What if...?" so that I can feel more prepared. It encourages me to appreciate every second I enjoy with my children, and to tell them how much I love them every day. However, even if I try to assign fear to this helpful, rational context, it will not limit itself to those terms. Events like last Friday, events that are completely unpredictable and, as yet, unexplained, do occur. And that's where hope comes in. We, as parents, helped our children onto the bus today, or into class, because of hope. We are hopeful that something might come out of this tragedy that will save lives in the future. We are hopeful that our children will be okay, today. We are hopeful that, while we feel fear, and acknowledge its presence in our lives, we will not let it have the upper hand.
My oldest son (he is four) heard an announcer talking about guns on the radio this morning, and asked me why. I told him that a bad person had used a gun to hurt some people last week. He did not say anything else about it, but I am hopeful that I will be able to tell him the right things when he does ask again. I am hopeful that I will be able to reassure him, and make him feel safe. I am hopeful that I will be able to keep fear in its place.
I chose not to tell my sons, which may have been a mistake because I am sure they will hear about it at school. I want to believe so so much that good prevails over evil, but this was just awful and so unreal. I fear for what the world will be like for them. Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece that ends with hope. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey Kathy, the news programs had child psychologists on to give parents information about how to talk to kids about what had happened. I listened to what they had to say, but when my son asked that question, I still had a moment where I froze, and felt tears well up. I feel for the parents of older children, and the difficult and emotional conversations that will be had. I hope for good to win out, too. - Laura
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