Back in the day, I prided myself on never needing to write stuff down. Even in college, I could generally remember what my assignments were and when they were due. Basically, this was my talent, as opposed to karaoke. Well, something happened between then and now. Now, I need to write everything down, and usually in at least two places. Why two places, you ask? Well, I'll forget where I wrote down the thing the first time.
This struck me the other night. The whole River Badger family was downstairs playing and watching TV between baths and bedtime, and I was chatting to my Mom about something or other. She mentioned coming down to visit on Friday just as Baby Badger suddenly fell off the sofa chasing her brothers. I caught Baby, and literally, for about 5 seconds, could hear the brain gears chunking away before returning to my conversation. I felt more than a little awkward; I should be able to multi-task, even mentally, as a Mommy. You know, catch baby, access mental calendar, engage!
Then I realized what actually happened inside my head was more like, catch baby, when is Friday?, what else is going on Friday?, when is the washing machine repairman supposed to come again?, oh, crap, I forgot to get a present for my sister's fiancé, what day do the secret Santa gifts have to show up at school?, have to buy wrapping paper, oh, right, school play, what is traffic like that morning?, what time should I ask my Mom to leave her house to avoid traffic so I'm not pacing around worried that she's been in an accident because she might not have her phone...Whew! If that's not mental multi-tasking, I don't know what is!
So, I think I may have identified the problem. It's not just items on a calendar anymore. For a parent, it's more like cloud computing.
We, as parents, wake up, and, not only have all of tasks of the day to contend with, we also have logistics, and preparation for the next day's events, and last-minute changes to the schedule. We have to remember antibiotics, and to bring in diapers for daycare, and to make sure to give the Christmas tree water. We need to remember e-mails, phone calls, stuff for church, work, school, and going to Grammy's house. We have to remember to shower, get groceries, clean the cat box, and make sure the trash cans get put out on the right day. And then there's the worry. We worry about our mother's tone of voice during her last call, we worry about our kids being bullied (or worse), and that they will actually wear their hats today because it's cold. We worry about the nail-looking thing that we just drove over because a flat tire will really f**k our day up.
And then, by the time the day is almost over, and the kids are in bed, and the TV is on, we have to remember to actually pay attention to our significant other. Nothing says sexy time like a pile of laundry and two exhausted parents.
But, for me, perhaps my biggest problem is myself. I don't cut myself a break because I see engaged parents all around me doing the exact same thing, maybe even more, and maybe even better. If I feel tired and overwhelmed, and my mind skips a trick, I blame myself for not working hard enough to be more efficient and organized. For parents, I think crazy becomes a new normal.
So, what's the answer? Letting go? Simplify, simplify? Maybe it's as easy as acknowledging the day-to-day challenges as being significant, and difficult, and exhausting. The challenges may be the new normal, but they are not the new easy.
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