Nightmare of a Nightmare

Last night was a doozy.  I had a hard time falling asleep and an even worse time staying asleep.  The worst part of all was a terrible nightmare that woke me up close to 4:30 in the morning, shaking and shaken.  The nightmare itself was pretty standard.  As far as I can tell, anyone who went to school has that dream where you've forgotten about an assignment or test.  The one I usually have is that I've forgotten to drop a class, and don't realize it until the final exam; but last night was a bit different.  It's been almost five years exactly since I defended my graduate thesis, and in my dream, it was the day of my defense, but I had forgotten to go.  I couldn't send an email and somehow my phone had disappeared.  The feeling of utter panic was profound, and it persisted when I woke up.

The night itself was bad enough, but then we had a wake-up call at five when Little Brother Badger started throwing up.  After all the cleaning and re-arranging, I ended up back in bed with LBB sleeping next to me (and a bucket).  Not being able to fall back asleep, I started thinking back to that dream, and why it was so affecting.  The dream scenario itself wasn't the thing that stood out, upon further reflection.  As a Mommy, there are many, many things that totally trump a missed thesis defense for scariness.  I guess I should thank my brain that this dream had nothing to do with the Little Badgers, but what a terrifying feeling of helpless panic.

Now, I can speculate as to why that panic is there, held somewhere deep inside.  I've recently left my job to be a Mommy full-time.  I'm worried about who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, and how much money it's going to cost (waste?) to get there.  I'm worried about my confidence, and my sense of self-worth.  I'm worried about how big my butt is and if I'll ever have the perseverance to make it back in shape.  Yeah, I guess you could say I'm all-around worried.  For the first time in my life I do not have an iron-clad direction.  Everyone around me is supportive, but I still have to sort things out in my own head to make it count.