One child, sweet little boy
Charming, polite, darling joy
One child, bold and crass
angry, passionate, broken glass
Both children, loved and held
Comforted, the world is theirs
Can I reconcile striking feelings
Found in pairs?
Because these children share a name
A face, a smile, they are the same.
My oldest child sometimes seems like two sides of the same coin. He is just this side of five, sensitive and kind, thoughtful and gentle. He will care lovingly for his little sister, tell me that I am the best Mommy in the world, and hold his little brother's hand unfailingly in a parking lot. But, it seems that the price of this wonderful behavior comes in dramatic moments of anger and frustration. Most of these moments occur, understandingly, at the end of a long day, or when he is hungry, or tired. Most of these moments therefore occur at mealtimes.
I'm not sure exactly how it happens that my calm little dreamer becomes an inconsolable tyrant. All I know is that, lately, sitting down for a family meal has been a battleground. Over and over, I will cook, and he will refuse to eat. Threats, bribes, feigned or real anger and disappointment; nothing seems to work. Most of time he's sent to his room to sit by himself. Sometimes he will go quietly, but there usually will be a screaming, crying scene. In the end, his stubbornness clashes with our resolve to be "good" parents and the result is a huge sense of defeat.
It's not the food. He'll break down over fish sticks, fries, and applesauce. It happens whether he takes his nap or not, or if he's had his snack or not. Perhaps, with dinner, there's something about the timing. Daddy comes home and the energy of the house changes. Mommy is probably a little stressed. There is a whirlwind of setting the table, wrestling Baby into her high chair, arguing over milk or water, and calling the Boy Badgers reluctantly in from toys or books.
Maybe it's just a perfect storm within himself. Perhaps he's been watching TV and gotten too engrossed. Perhaps he's thirsty. Maybe he's holding onto frustration from earlier when his younger siblings were knocking over his carefully-crafted dinosaur toyscape. He creates his own intensity, and holds a lot of his emotion inside. Today, an outburst happened at lunch. He broke down as soon as he saw his plate. I put him in time-out, then in his room, as we've done before. But, unlike dinnertime, when Daddy River Badger is there to help supervise the younger kids, I was on my own. I had to let him cry it out while I helped the Littlest Badgers with their food. As lunch wrapped up, I heard the crying soften, and gradually stop. Little Brother had done an especially good job eating all his food and I offered him some pudding. I heard the bedroom door open, and soft footsteps in the hall. Big Brother peeked into the kitchen, his eyes swollen, but an apologetic look on his face. I held back my initial impulse to send him back to his room, and offered him his food. He sat down and ate. I gave him some pudding. He told me he was sorry for earlier. As the two younger children played in the next room, I washed the dishes and asked him why he behaved that way. He told me that he didn't know.
But, I think I might. When I was little, I remember trying to be very good. I wanted to be an obedient child, and to make my parents happy. I also had a strong imagination, and held a lot of emotion inside. It would build up and build up, and when something would set me off, I would lose control. I would cry, and cry, and then, after letting it all out, I would feel better. I don't know why he's feeling this way, but maybe this common ground is a place to start.
Big Brother Badger is naturally quiet and likes to play on his own. Perhaps I've been relying too much on his independence and maturity. Maybe I need to be on a closer lookout for the younger kids taking advantage of his gentle nature. Perhaps I need to watch for frustrations beginning to build. I think Mommy needs to step up and do more than cook.
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