The Storm, from the Badger Den

For us in the DC area, Hurricane Sandy was a pretty big deal.  School and work closures, wind advisories, flooding, and grocery store shelves wiped clean.  This River Badger clan rode it out, and are feeling very lucky to be healthy and happy, with no real damage to our den.  We also managed to have some little adventures along the way.

All weekend, the build-up to the storm was happening, with the two Boy Badgers taking notes.  "To the radar!!" is a frequently-heard shout here whenever there is even a chance of rain, and this was a BIG STORM.  By Sunday, we had prepared the house, bought groceries and batteries, and I had even cleaned!  We hunkered down.

We all woke up lazily on Monday morning, knowing in advance that work and school had been cancelled.  The skies were gray, there were some gusts of wind, and a light rain was falling, but nothing too scary, yet.  The Little Badgers came into our room and we all watched some Thomas the Tank Engine together in bed.  Daddy River Badger made blueberry muffins for breakfast, and we all enjoyed each other's company for a good 15 minutes before our Little Badgers started feeling confined.  You see, our kids are used to being active and engaged pretty soon after they wake up.  I'm not sure what happened in the gene pool, as DRB and I would be quite happy to lounge in front of the TV in our pajamas.  Anyway, we decided to take a quick trip out.  The wind was picking up, and the rain was falling harder, but we needed gas in the van, and it was a parent emergency!

So, after Wawa (and fountain soda for Mommy River Badger) we went to Petco!  You know, where the parents-with-restless-kids go.  And, today, we were nearly the only ones there to enjoy the kitties for adoption, the ferrets, fish, lizards, scorpion (!), snakes, etc.  Baby Badger squealed over the parakeets, and Little Brother Badger loved the guinea pigs.  The Little Badgers were also excited to buy a toy for our kitty, in case she was scared during the storm.

We headed home to a grilled cheese lunch.  The wind and rain were picking up.  The Little Badgers were a little alarmed, but a quickly-constructed Badger den under the dining room table let them hide from the elements behind sheets and pillows.

After dinner, the storm was officially here.  Daddy River Badger noticed some water leaking from the roof, and decided to head up there and fix it.  Yes, folks, on the roof in a hurricane.  I'm being very clear in case his mother reads this and can wallop him with a rolling pin or something.  Anyway, DRB is annoying spry as well as sly, and managed to fix the shingle and stop the leak.  He is my hero, after all.

By bedtime, the winds were howling, but the Badgers went to bed gamely and slept through the night.  DRB and I were a little more awake and apprehensive.  I'll tell you what, the target audience for horror films can't be the over-30, home-owning, parental set.  There are so many things scarier than some loud music, shaky camera work, and out-of-focus dark figures.

The next day dawned calm and wet.  We had made it through pretty much unscathed.  So had our families.  And as we learned what some other folks had faced, and are still facing, we were more and more grateful.  Tuesday was spent as a family.  Another trip to Petco.  Another lunch (mac n' cheese!).  A craft project.  Carving pumpkins.  Baking cookies.  At naptime, I watched TV next to my sleeping Baby, and got to stroke her hair and tuck her into her blanket.  Bliss!

The Dickens quote: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", seems appropriate here.  Happiness sometimes feels so fragile.  Chance separating those who struggle from those who celebrate.  We appreciated the celebration today.

Who's in charge?

When at home, I ask my husband permission to take a shower.

This is something that I never really thought about until recently when Grandma Badger (my Mom) was helping with the kids while Daddy River Badger was out of town.  Breakfast had been eaten, plates had been cleared, and kids had been dressed.  A relative calm.  I then asked my mother if it was alright if I took a shower.  She looked at me like I was insane for asking and replied, "Sure, honey, do whatever you've got to do.".  It was only in the middle of shampooing my hair that I started to think about this.  Was it weird to, in a way, ask permission to take a shower in my own house?  "Well", I thought to myself, "I'm not really asking permission.  It's meant to be more like: is it okay if I selfishly leave you with three wildly amped-up children, while I head into the bathroom for some personal indulgence?".  Hmmm...actually this also sounds weird.  Does it help that Daddy River Badger asks too?

I guess this kind of situation results from both DRB and I being conscious of how much work it can be to hold down the fort with all three Little Badgers, even for 10 minutes, combined with our guilt about being the one to have some alone-time.  And, yes, folks, I am classifying bathroom time as bona fide alone-time.

It is strange, though, that the concept of watching the children all by myself seems pretty straightforward and even, dare I say, fun, when I know that DRB is at work, or at a football game, or out with his friends, but if he is home with me, then I freak out just a little?  I mean, shouldn't it be the opposite, if anything?

I think this is a result of having a modern marriage.  Two people, equally employed, equally capable of parenting, and partnering, and cleaning, cooking, and raking leaves.  Two people who are competent, and involved, and therefore feel free to have a say in everything that happens in the household.  Gone are the more traditional divisions of home (Mommy) and work (Daddy), where one spouse deferred to the other within the other's sphere of influence.  Now, we each tend to get up in each other's business about anything and everything.

So, when I am alone with the kids, I know that I am in charge.  I'm the top dog, big cheese, captain-my-captain.  When we're both with the kids, then who's in charge becomes like an oral exam question.  Sure, I can bark orders at the kids easy enough, but I feel like my parenting is being judged, too.  Did I give them too much juice?  Was that time-out long enough?  Did I give everyone enough attention?  Did I take advantage of my partner by lingering in the shower too long?  And I think that Daddy River Badger might feel the same way about me.

So, obviously we have to lighten up a bit with each other.   This all seems to be coming from love and respect...with a sniff of judgement and a whiff of holier-than-thou thrown in.  And ignorance, too, it seems.  Because when we're both playing chicken over who can have a shower in the morning, neither of us ends up smelling particularly good.

Hey, Jealousy...

This morning I was helping Big Brother Badger get dressed, and while he was putting his shirt on I told him he had a cute belly.  Well, he replied matter-of-factly that I had an ugly belly.  I don't think he meant anything by it, because when he glanced up and saw my face he immediately tried to make it better, "Don't worry, Mommy!  When you put your shirt on your belly gets pretty!".  Yes, well, I suppose layers of fabric do help.

I'm not overly self-conscious of how I look.  I'm mostly a jeans and sneakers kind of gal, though I do enjoy a good splurge at Kohl's.  I dream of someday owning a pair of really expensive shoes, but I'd probably spend the money on the chef's table with a wine pairing at Volt.  But the Little Badger's comment this morning got me thinking about appearance.  You see, I have two sons, and I'd always assumed that as long as I didn't embarrass them with pastel sweatshirts at soccer practice, they wouldn't much notice what I looked like.  And I have a daughter, and am planning on being presentable as a good example to her, but she's just 14 months old, so I figured I've got some time.  Maybe not.

Do my children judge my appearance, even as young as they are?  If they do, I might be in trouble already.  There are three Aunties in my children's lives who are very pretty, fashionable, and have perfect hair.  Am I falling short?

I guess I should have seen this coming.  A couple weeks ago I had a date with Daddy River Badger.  We sat at a sushi bar and had fun.  At one point, DRB went to the bathroom, leaving me alone at the bar.  A couple of attractive guys came in, sat down one seat over, and starting making small talk.  I was incredibly full of myself until I remembered I was wearing a pair of Halloween-themed ghost earrings.  Bah.

When you think you "look like a Mommy", are you supposed to then feel a sense of shame and go to the gym?  Are you supposed to shrug and say, whatevs?  Are you supposed to smirk and be smugly proud?  I guess I feel all three ways sometimes.  And, I also feel somehow a little too old for jealousy to be any sort of real motivation to step it up.

So, what to do?  Guess I should shrug, smirk, say whatevs, and head to the gym.  Cause I can't get a badass tummy like Auntie unless I do.  

Threats and Bribes

Oh, my, the back-and-forth of parenting.  You can think of the whole of a parent's day as a series of threats and bribes, depending on mood and circumstance.

Threat: "If you hit him again, you'll have to go to bed early!"
Bribe: "If you put your shoes on, I'll let you bring a toy in the car!"

You can imagine that both of these things could be uttered within minutes of each other, in completely different tones of voice and within steadily increasing desperation level.

And this is the treacherous dance of parenting.  How to get to an end goal (getting to an appointment on time, making it through Ikea in one piece, avoiding food all over the floor at dinner) while maintaining authority, yet not turning into a screaming, desperate creature that turns heads at the mall.  And it really gets tricky when more than one kid is involved, because from an early age they watch carefully for signs of weakness shown to another.

Yelling at home is one thing, but yelling in public is something else entirely, and they know it instinctively.  I remember pulling the Boy Badgers out of the van in our driveway while almost nine months pregnant with their sister.  They had been in foul moods the entire trip, and were really on my last nerve.  So, I yelled.  Loud.  And, of course, my sweet, kind, elderly neighbors were outside their house staring at me right at that moment.  Smile and wave, folks, smile and wave.

And discipline in the store can be a delicate balance.  You want to demonstrate that you are not bothered by normal pouting and fussing.  You are in charge.  At least until your two-year-old starts using the dog commands that Grandma taught him...on you.  "Sit, Mommy!  Stay!"  All with imperious gestures, in his dog-training German voice, in the middle of Target.  Isn't he cute, folks?

I think that things get hardest when parents are trying their best.  We are mindful of our actions and words, as it all goes into those little ears, being processed and stored and shaping them as functioning people.  We try to do what we say, as well as just say it.  And we beat ourselves up daily for any mistake.  At night, when I go to bed, I think about what I did that day as a parent, and how I could have done it better, and I try to judge how badly I've screwed up the Little Badgers' fragile little egos.  I rarely give myself any slack.  And here starts another set of threats and bribes.

Threat: "If you keep giving him milk in the middle of the night, he'll know he can get away with anything and will be spoiled!"
Bribe: "If you just try harder, they will be Happy Kids, and you will be a Good Mommy!"

At least my methods are consistent, right?  So, what to do?  Just keep dancing, I guess, and maybe try not to get too worked up if I occasionally miss a step or two.

Footprints in the Sand

We returned today from two days at the beach.  We are not a family to head to the beach during the summer; the last time we were here, it was March.  We enjoy missing the crowds, and having the sand and all its treasures for ourselves alone.  The Little Badgers were all very excited, and Little Brother Badger really wanted to see a shark jumping out of the water and a humpback whale, despite our arguments to the contrary.  This trip was Baby Badger's first real beach adventure, as before she was only 7 months old, and slept most of the time we were near the water.  Grandma Badger in particular was very excited to know Baby's reaction to seeing the ocean for the first time.

Well, Baby glanced up at the water once, briefly, before going back to eating sand.

Despite the brevity of the trip, there are several moments that I remember, and things I learned.  I learned that children instinctively know to jump in elevators, and have a great time doing so.  I learned that $50 in lobby Halloween decorations will provide at least 50 minutes of entertainment to a 4-year-old.  I learned that my daughter fearlessly loves the pool.  I remember spending a long, glorious time with her painstakingly picking out pebbles on the beach.  I learned that our children can all sleep in one room, and that the Boy Badgers L.O.V.E. chocolate ice cream cones after dinner (and Daddy, too), even if said dinner is the definition of chaos.  I remember Little Brother Badger insisting on making, not a sand angel, but a sand orca (they look the same).  And I remember Big Brother Badger being firmly in River Badger character in the sand, in the hotel room, and in a patch of long grass (look out, seagulls!).

We suffered through one bloody nose, some initial fear of the ocean, two dinners out, and several mini-meltdowns.  We enjoyed wine-to-go in little plastic cups, beautiful weather, accommodating restaurant patrons, and chocolate chip cookies in the lobby at 8PM.  We discovered that some people put cheese on fish tacos (!?), that Baby has an independent streak, and that the best lunches are eaten standing on the picnic table.  Daddy River Badger and I watched the Little Badgers enjoy playing together, all three, really, for the first time.

So, my advice would be to go on an adventure, even if it seems like a small one, with people you love.  As for our trip, the image I'm left with is my Baby, her face lit up with a smile, and her arms wide open, running towards me across the sand, her little feet making small footprints all the way to me.

He has your eyes...and my sense of humor?

True confession: in the Badger household: the level of humor is pretty much 5th grade, MAX.  More likely 2nd grade.  There are a lot of fart jokes, and some giggling about poops.  Occasionally, the adults share some sarcastic observations about "Chopped", but it's pretty low-brow overall.  This is okay, though, as it mostly results in a lot of laughter, and a sense of ease, and being comfortable around each other.  We are easy on each other.  We try not to judge.  It is easy to empathize, and to put yourself in another's shoes.  Aside: the Baby Badger actually does put herself in another's shoes...and clumps around happily!  When Daddy River Badger and I got married, our celebrant used some very meaningful words at our ceremony: in time, looking back on the years we'd been married, we should hear laughter echo through our experience.  Words that I felt meant something back in the day before kids, and mean even more now.

You see, our sense of humor has been a defining characteristic of our family since before the three Badgers were born.  Daddy River Badger cracks me up!  Humor is woven through our marriage, identifying us as a family.  It is there to shelter us from the criticism of others, to hold us up when we feel sad, and to relieve our hardest days.  It is a distraction, and a way of fitting in.  It is a way to discover a kindred spirit, and to express love.

It is therefore fortuitous that the low-brow humor allows the Little Badgers to participate fully, despite being in the under-five-years crowd.  They laugh at Mommy and Daddy, at each other, and at situations in general.  They laugh.  I had always ignorantly assumed that I would have happy kids, but ignorance is bliss.  When you look at the world, at how vulnerable each of us are, and how hard it is for sensitive children to navigate their way without their spirits being bruised somehow, you hope that their sense of humor will see them through.  Don't take yourself too seriously!  Don't take others too seriously!  Don't let a single person or thing define you!  Laugh!  Find joy!

Today, I had several moments of joy.  One was in the car, with all three Badgers.  Big Brother Badger was talking about music, and I turned on some club tunes.  You know, boom-boom-boom...dance music!  BBB started grooving in his seat, totally happy.  Little Brother Badger laughed and rolled his eyes at the situation, and Baby Badger squealed at her big brothers.  We laughed and found joy.

So, if you visit us, you might roll your eyes a little at our snickering and silly jokes.  But, we have a happy family and a happy house, and if you accidentally pee yourself from laughing too hard, you're probably not the only one.

 

Baaaad Mommy....

This one's going to make me cringe while writing...

Things you should know before getting to the story: today was Big Brother Badger's karate class.  It starts at 10 AM.  I pride myself on trying to be on-time to events, if not a few minutes early.  BBB is a little wary of new situations, and had a pretty rough first class, but has been doing GREAT ever since.  I was quite full of myself because Daddy River Badger took BBB to his first class, and maybe didn't get him there early enough, contributing to the mini-meltdown.  I would never do this.  I am a Good Mommy.

Right.

9:25: Thinking we have plenty of time...getting Boy Badgers teeth brushed, fussing over sweatshirts...

9:30: Making sure Boy Badgers have both had a pee...

9:40: Fooling around some more...one sweatshirt didn't fit...one didn't have a turtle on it...

9:45: "Shit!" Stuffing Boy Badgers into van...

9:48: On the road...we'll make it!

9:51: "Double-shit!"  Forgot BBB's uniform shirt!

9:55: With chants of "Go, Mommy, go!" coming from the backseat, on the road again!

9:57: We're definitely not going to make it...

10:05: Quickly running Boy Badgers into class...some other people are late, too!  I'm not the only Bad Mommy!

10:05:30: BBB is in tears refusing to go out to the floor with his class.  I am definitely The Bad Mommy, arguing with him, bribing him, etc. etc.  Blah.

10:10: His instructor has managed to get him onto the floor, but he needs a tissue.  Guess who the Bad Mommy is who never has tissues (or cash...but that's another story).

10:11: Everything is fine!  BBB is out on the floor, participating and kicking, and doing great!  Apparently the only one permanently scarred from this is me, sitting on the floor, trading "knowing" smiles with the other Moms (I know I'm a Bad Mommy; they know I'm a Bad Mommy).  Fail.

10:35: After class, I get a lecture from the instructor.  He is very polite, and suggests that I try to bring BBB at least 10 minutes early, so he'll get used to the room, and not have to come in late in front of everyone else.  Super-fail.

10:40: BBB comes over and apologizes for crying earlier.  He is so sorry.  I feel terrible, and apologize right back to him.  Triple-dog Super-fail.

10:50: I buy the Badgers chocolate milk at McDonald's.  They are happy!  I chug my diet coke like the Bad Mommy I am.  Good Mommies only drink filtered green tea with acai.

Oof.  Next time, we're leaving at 9:15.

Daddies and Mommies

So, I was driving the Little Badgers home from school today and was answering a question about how long babies are in a Mommy's belly when Little Brother Badger interrupted with, "Mommy, I love Daddy and I was in HIS belly".  Hmmm....not how I remember it!  But, he's in a total "Daddy's boy" phase right now, and it's all good.

But then I got to thinking about Daddies and Mommies, and whether I should be upset that my little boy felt happy that he grew in Daddy's belly instead of mine.  I'm the Mommy, for goodness sake!  I'm the nurturer and the Rock of the Family!  I thought of a comment I heard from a nurse while visiting my Niece Badgers.  She had been describing breast-feeding to my sister, and how you're up every two to three hours, and have sore nipples, and usually have to pump as well as feed, etc., etc. and she said dismissively, "No man would ever deal with all this!".

Well, I know one man who would.

This really isn't to brag, because I mostly married him for his good looks, ability to handle a stick shift, and love of cheap beer and sports.  I got lucky.  And my kids got lucky.  But I feel bad for him, and for guys like him, when the cheap shots are flying, and most other men are happy to bring up the rear.  Just as we ladies try to tread delicately when it come to generalizations about parenting, maybe we should be more careful about generalizations about men.

I am proud that my son thinks of his Daddy as nurturing and strong, and comforting.  So much so that he sees it as natural that he would grow in Daddy's belly!  I am only slightly annoyed when my husband's cooking, organizing, and parenting abilities are roundly praised by the Grandmothers.  I am soothed by the knowledge that if I were to get eaten by a hungry rhino (thanks, Roald Dahl), Daddy Badger would be able to hold down the fort with competence and love and sensitivity.

Here's to the good ones!    

Chasing Squirrels at the Park

Chasing squirrels=great fun!

Today at the park with the Little River Badgers.  The weather was lovely and cool, and it is that time of year when the squirrels are out in force, looking for nuts, or whatever they look for in a suburban park. Big Brother Badger had the idea to run after the squirrels, and they were so fat that the chase was actually pretty close.  I thought it was fantastic: exercise, fresh air, happy kids!  And only one thought of the squirrels being rabid crossed my mind.  We played some games where I was the T.rex chasing a River Badger.  But of course, everyone knows that River Badgers literally eat T. rex for breakfast, so, of course, it didn't end well for me.

Park time ended with at least 45 seconds of quiet reflection by the lake (with three small kids!  Come on...round of applause anyone?), and then a mad dash for home and dinner.

Tonight the Boy Badgers are reading together quietly in their room, Baby Badger is sleeping in the cutest heart pattern sleep suit in the history of the world, Daddy River Badger has offered to fetch me some chocolate, and I've got a wonderful day to think about.  The only thing to make it better would be a commercial-free showing of Alien vs. Predator.  Yes, I'm serious.  Or Under Siege.  You know it!

Hello!

Thing for the day...accomplished!  You see, when you get the feeling that years of training and your own natural charisma should get you where you want to be, take a deep breath and then slap yourself in the face.  Oof.  Then, you pick yourself back up off the floor (since you are stronger than you look, of course) and do something.  Find what you love, find what makes you passionate.  Or, at least, find some small thing to do that will move you forward for today.  So here it is....I started a blog!

(crickets)

Okay, whatever, I just said it was "a" thing, not "the" thing.

Anyway, I'm starting off with a slightly cynical tone.  My purpose in this blog is four-fold: (1) to make some observations, (2) to capture and share my little true loves and their amazing adventures, (3) to vent some frustrations, and (4) to connect to some kindred spirits (maybe we'll get there eventually).  And my memory is not the best in the world, so there's more than a little selfishness involved, here.

Away we go!