Who's in charge?

When at home, I ask my husband permission to take a shower.

This is something that I never really thought about until recently when Grandma Badger (my Mom) was helping with the kids while Daddy River Badger was out of town.  Breakfast had been eaten, plates had been cleared, and kids had been dressed.  A relative calm.  I then asked my mother if it was alright if I took a shower.  She looked at me like I was insane for asking and replied, "Sure, honey, do whatever you've got to do.".  It was only in the middle of shampooing my hair that I started to think about this.  Was it weird to, in a way, ask permission to take a shower in my own house?  "Well", I thought to myself, "I'm not really asking permission.  It's meant to be more like: is it okay if I selfishly leave you with three wildly amped-up children, while I head into the bathroom for some personal indulgence?".  Hmmm...actually this also sounds weird.  Does it help that Daddy River Badger asks too?

I guess this kind of situation results from both DRB and I being conscious of how much work it can be to hold down the fort with all three Little Badgers, even for 10 minutes, combined with our guilt about being the one to have some alone-time.  And, yes, folks, I am classifying bathroom time as bona fide alone-time.

It is strange, though, that the concept of watching the children all by myself seems pretty straightforward and even, dare I say, fun, when I know that DRB is at work, or at a football game, or out with his friends, but if he is home with me, then I freak out just a little?  I mean, shouldn't it be the opposite, if anything?

I think this is a result of having a modern marriage.  Two people, equally employed, equally capable of parenting, and partnering, and cleaning, cooking, and raking leaves.  Two people who are competent, and involved, and therefore feel free to have a say in everything that happens in the household.  Gone are the more traditional divisions of home (Mommy) and work (Daddy), where one spouse deferred to the other within the other's sphere of influence.  Now, we each tend to get up in each other's business about anything and everything.

So, when I am alone with the kids, I know that I am in charge.  I'm the top dog, big cheese, captain-my-captain.  When we're both with the kids, then who's in charge becomes like an oral exam question.  Sure, I can bark orders at the kids easy enough, but I feel like my parenting is being judged, too.  Did I give them too much juice?  Was that time-out long enough?  Did I give everyone enough attention?  Did I take advantage of my partner by lingering in the shower too long?  And I think that Daddy River Badger might feel the same way about me.

So, obviously we have to lighten up a bit with each other.   This all seems to be coming from love and respect...with a sniff of judgement and a whiff of holier-than-thou thrown in.  And ignorance, too, it seems.  Because when we're both playing chicken over who can have a shower in the morning, neither of us ends up smelling particularly good.