The Step-Back

As a parent, it can be said that when you are in, you're in.  Even when you're out (at dinner, say), you're still in.  Just maybe not as an immediate presence.  But how far do you step back as a parent, when someone else, especially someone who is capable, loving, and tested steps in?  When that person is a grandparent, things can get complicated.

Stepping back, as a parent, isn't just confined to date night or a play date; it can be more subtle and familiar.  For us in the Badger household, transfer of power occurs every weeknight, when, after dinner, Daddy River Badger steps up to give the Little Badgers baths while I clean the kitchen.  I can step back for a while, even fool around on my phone, appreciate the cool evening breeze, or give some attention to my pouting cat.  Inevitably, there will be a streaking Baby racing through the kitchen, or Little Brother hopefully asking that I help get him dressed, but DRB is pilot-in-command.  And the step-back usually works in everyone's favor.  Given that shift in responsibilities, my shoulders relax, my head stops pounding, and I am refreshed, ready and eager to be there for my children.  And for the Little Badgers, all the anxiety of having to eat vegetables and not wiggle in their chairs falls away and they delight in the undivided attention of their Daddy.

However, sometimes the step-back is not as obvious and immediately satisfying; especially where grandparents are concerned.  Often this step-back yields time for Mommy to have a beer and relax, or sleep in a little, or go to the gym.  The Little Badgers are never happier than being just a little spoiled by their grandmothers, but, I worry that I am taking advantage.  And here's another problem: my rules may not necessarily be their rules, and too often when Mommy swoops back in, there's some confusion.

Here's an example.  Grandma Badger's house has a very steep staircase.  Me, being the overprotective Mommy, told the Little Badgers that they absolutely had to go down the stairs on their bottoms, no questions asked.  Grandma, separately, and without knowledge of my "rule" said that they must go down on their bottoms until the mid-point of the stairs, where there was a railing.  Poor Little Brother Badger was caught by his ever-vigilant Mommy standing exactly at the midpoint in his sleep suit.  I yelled.  He started to cry.  When I realized that he was following Grandma's rule, I felt terrible.  I apologized, I held him.  I think I stepped back too far.

And then there are the examples of when I (or Daddy River Badger) didn't step back far enough.  At Grammy Badger's house, children are indulged, and, I believe, rightly so.  I adore the sheer Little Badger happiness that comes when Grammy presents waffles with watermelon and a little whipped cream for breakfast, or a popsicle for a snack.  But, every now and then, we, the parents, overstep.  We make superior-sounding comments about the amount of sugar in the yogurt, or the number of cookies at snack time, and we hurt feelings.

When I am in the company of my own parents, and my parents-in-law, I trust them, and their judgement.  I trust the care of my children to them, and that's all that needs to be said.  I think I just have to work on the transition; I'm in charge, but I'm in the background.  I want my children to enjoy their grandparents and to build their own independent relationships without Mommy constantly hovering.  I want to let the Little Badgers' grandparents know how blessed we feel to have them in our lives, and how important they are.  We believe in them, because they raised us, and because they share our deep love for our babies.

My stepping back is necessary, I believe, for my children to start to learn how to be independent, to relate to others on their own terms, and to have a break from their parents' idiosyncrasies.  But I also think it is also necessary for me; to see our parents in a new perspective, to build and enjoy love and trust and shared experiences.  Being a parent means that when you're in, you're in; in the fray, in the whirlwind.  Having that chance to take a breath and step back and watch, and appreciate, and treasure the moment, is a gift.